


Tools For a Bad Day

by madamewriterofwrongs



Series: Tumblr Posts [21]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Prompt Fill, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27742390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamewriterofwrongs/pseuds/madamewriterofwrongs
Summary: For whatever reason, Eddie just can't bring himself to get out of the truck, he can't bring himself to smile for more than a few minutes at a time. What he needs at the end of a long day is for someone to step into the darkness and keep him company for a little while.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Tumblr Posts [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875451
Comments: 10
Kudos: 104





	Tools For a Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iamstillwriting (bwhouwant2b)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bwhouwant2b/gifts).



> Originally written for [RyderGrace](http://rydergrace.tumblr.com) because we all need a little comfort now and again <3
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](http://madamewriterofwrongs.tumblr.com)!

He wished there was a reasonable explanation for why he felt the way he did. The sun was shining, he had a wonderful family, he loved his job, but try as he might: Eddie couldn’t muster the energy required to smile for more than a few minutes at a time.

Perhaps it had been the phone call from his parents last week wondering how Christopher was since they never saw him anymore. Perhaps it was getting the second notice from the bank that his credit card payments were late. Perhaps it was getting a knot in the line as he prepared to repel to the fifteenth story to save a victim (easily repaired, but he should have caught it sooner). Perhaps it was none of those things or some unholy combination that had him leaning against the steering wheel of his truck – an impulsive purchase that became a constant reminder of yet another one of his failings – unable to walk inside his own house.

Inside, there was his husband and his son who were both home from school and eager to hear all about his day. They would have dinner on the table and Christopher would ramble on about all the things he’d learned, while Buck would hide his smile when he had a related story to tell so as to not interrupt the boy.

Inside, the lights would be on, filling the world with a warm, orange glow that might have the power to chase the darkness from his mind. But what if it couldn’t? What if he couldn’t leave these feelings at the door until he could better deal with them in the safety of his bedroom? He never hid his feelings from either of them, never lied when things got hard, but he hated being a burden. He hated that he had so many emotions to sort through at the end of the day. He hated feeling that he would ruin the light by simple existing with the people he loved.

So, he held out on going inside for as long as possible. Let the sadness drift away quietly until it was something more easily contained and then he could face his family.

He spent so much time with his forehead pressed against the steering wheel, trying to push away the darkness, that he didn’t hear the front door open. Nor did he hear it close. He missed when it opened again and two figures approached the back of the truck and gently placed a few items in the bed. He only looked up when he heard a gentle rapping at his window.

Shame and adoration made him nauseous at seeing Buck and Christopher waving from outside. With every fibre of his being, Eddie loved those two, and that trumped anything he was feeling. He opened the door without a second thought, his smile barely reaching his cheeks let alone his eyes.

“Hey guys. What are you doing out here?” His voice crackled as though he hadn’t spoke in hours (and, upon reflection, he hadn’t) and it served as a reminder that two of the happiest people he knew were saddled with him for life.

In lieu of a direct answer, Buck outstretched his hand in offering and tilted his head towards the back of the truck. “Come on.”

Eddie took Buck’s hand in his and rose from his seat. It was a promise they’d made years ago, in front of their friends and family, through smiling tears. _I will go wherever you lead_.

Christopher smiled up at him and a small sliver of darkness evaporated. He’d always known that his son was his own personal miracle, but the wonders he was able to perform never ceased to amaze him. The firefighter placed a hand on the back of his son’s neck and absorbed the warmth and love against his skin. With one hand on his husband and one on his son, Eddie allowed himself to be lead away from his hiding spot (more shame swirled in his chest at his own admission).

In his dreams, the sadness evaporated when he reached the truck bed. In reality, his smile was lopsided as he held the tears at bay with sheer force of will.

“We made a picnic.” Christopher declared, already tossing his crutches against the side so he could pull himself up. He was growing stronger every day. The boy was stubborn like his father and hopeful like his Buck. He was resourceful and kind and imaginative and his whole damn world.

And he’d made a picnic for his dad.

Beside him, Buck squeezed his hand, drawing his eye away from his son and into the eyes of the man who was his moon; a gravity he couldn’t explain, brightening his night, forever a part of his life no matter how hard he’d tried to deny it.

He loved the moon.

Part of him expected Buck to question him: why hadn’t he come inside? What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he be happy?

“I love you.” The man whispered, and Eddie held tighter to keep from releasing his emotions in one fell swoop. Instead, he tugged Buck’s hand and the two of them climbed into the truck beside their son.

They had laid a blanket from behind the couch against the floor (though it did nothing to protect them from the uneven surface and cold steal), and placed one pillow for each head at the edge of the blanket. In the corner was a pizza box and three bottles of water and on any other night, Eddie might have scolded his boys for ordering out when they would all be home at a descent hour but tonight, he was simply grateful not to do the dishes. Thankfull, Eddie spotted Buck’s laptop before he nearly sat on it – it would have meant another purchase he couldn’t afford, and the darkness crept in just a little more.

Then Christopher climbed into his lap as he sat against the truck, and his vision narrowed to the four corners surrounding him. Buck pulled open his laptop, scooting in beside his family, opening their shared Netflix account. While his husband searched, Eddie found himself mesmerized by his son’s hair. With every day – despite the Texas and then California sun – it grew darker, but he was forever the golden child. His curls were as soft as the day he’d first run his fingers through them, and they still smelled liked home. The scent itself had changed over the years; first, it was the ‘new baby’ smell that everyone talked about, then honey and baby powder, then some grassy concoction his parents had used for gentle skin, then he smelled like Eddie because it was easier to buy one giant bottle of shampoo. Now, he smelled like homemade crafts and burnt toast and skinned knees and the springtime laughter whenever Buck pushed him on the swings.

A little of the darkness subsided.

He was pulled from his contemplation by the sound of the company’s logo flashing red as he realized the movie was starting.

“What did you pick?” He reached the hand not combing his son’s hair and grabbed the pizza box to place between them.

Instantly, Buck picked up his first slice. “Something good, don’t worry. We’ve seen it a million times.”

Well, that could be any number of movies. Both he and Buck had what they liked to call ‘comfort movies’ that they could recite by heart but still watched on a recursive loop whenever the mood struck. They were perfect for a night like this.

Soon enough, his mind wandered away again, this time drifting no where in particular. Instead of a long list of his failings, there was the ominous understanding in his chest that something was wrong – that he was missing something. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what it was but it clawed at the walls of his ribcage until he struggled to breathe.

He could feel Buck kiss the underside of his ear, a secret place he only touched when they were quietly in love. Eddie turned and saw the concern hiding inside the affection but still, his husband didn’t ask any questions. In truth, he didn’t want him to. He knew Buck had every right to ask but he had no answers. But Buck never asked so he never had to wander into the darkness. It crept up behind him instead.

They ate pizza that grew cool in the California night air. They ate long after it grew cold. They watched a movie they loved well and when that movie ended, they watched another one. When Christopher began to shiver, Buck produced a spare blanket and wrapped the trio inside it. When the pizza was gone, the urge to remain upright grew less. By the end of the second movie, all three were laying on the bed of the truck, pillows under heads, laptop propped on Eddie’s belly since he was in the middle.

He knew the instant Christopher nodded off, feeling the weight on his shoulder suddenly double as the boy curled into his side. Even if his arm weren’t trapped beneath the sleeping body, he wouldn’t have moved for anything. Buck seemed to notice as well, because he decreased the volume just enough that they could still hear it in the silence between them.

As the third movie began, Eddie let his head fall to the side, eyes more focused on the man beside him than anything on the screen. He loved this man; it had never been something he expected to happen but it was as true today as it was the day he looked at his best friend and realized he wanted to spend his life with him. And for some inexplicable reason, Buck loved him just as fiercely (of that, he had no doubt).

Nothing his mind could conjure would ever erase the love he held for the two people in his arms.

Perhaps he should have been embarrassed to be caught staring at his husband but the only thing that passed his lips was a whispered “thank you” as he craned his neck to kiss him without disturbing the boy who’d captured his right arm completely.

They didn’t sleep in the truck – despite Buck’s quiet protests that it would be fine. Instead, Eddie carried his son inside while his husband packed up their meager picnic. As he placed one final kiss on Christopher’s forehead, tucking him under the covers, he sent a silent thank you to whoever had granted him such a precious gift.

By the time he reached the bedroom, Buck was in their bathroom, so he changed into his pajamas and went about shutting the house for the night. Buck met him in the doorway, arm reaching for him the way it had outside the truck.

 _I will go wherever you lead_.

Falling into Buck’s embrace was the easiest thing he’d ever done. Being surrounded by him was a safe haven he never knew existed and he treasured with his entire being. Buck was solid and warm (some nights he had to physical remove his husband from his side because he thought he might boil to death in his arms). The steady beating of his heart could be heard when he tucked into his neck and just breathed. It was all he could bring himself to do but it didn’t matter. Being held by Buck was so easy because he trusted him to never let go.

For a decade, Eddie stayed within the safety of his husband’s arms and with each passing moment, he felt the world loosen its grip on his shoulders. The darkness still lingered. It would never truly abate but Eddie was never left to face it alone. Even when he was a stubborn ass about expressing his emotions (as Lena had told him with a punch to the shoulder), he had ways of fending off the darkness.

He had the smell of honey and baby powder, he had the steady beating of his husband’s heart, and he had pizza in the back of the truck with the two people who meant the most to him.

Everything would be okay.


End file.
